Smarting from defeat and an unforgiving saddle Quilpius hopes to find solace in a letter from home.

Dux Bellorum: a Close End

The Great Battle for Mount Hardon continued this week with Quilpius Lamus and Iammius Gittus facing off against the Picts of Norris of the McWhirters and King Tugga of the Vanking Saxons.  This was looking more and more like the culminating game of the campaign.

The Pictish King faces off against Tribune Iammius on the flank.  Just before Iammius runs away.

The cataphracts finally manage a charge, into the centre of the Pictish line.  

On the Saxon flank the Vankings get stuck into the Romans. 

Jarl Skvirt attacks the Jazz Hands again.  The Manus Gothica hold out in an extraordinary fight that lasts almost the whole game.  They are renamed the Fortis Manus Gothica.

The Cataphracts kill off the Pictish warband opposing them, but once again are reduced to a pitiful few cohesion points, making them virtually useless for further action.

  

The Pictish Monks prayers to Vectron are more powerful since they are nude.  Vectron smiles on a naked supplicant!

Jarl Skvirt struggles to make any impact on the Jazz Hands

The Claws of Quilpius are shown on table, with some Roman anguish.  The Roman left is gone, but the Picts are in tatters. 

The Fortis Manus Gothica are shot down by Pictish archers.  Shame!   Jarl Skvirt storms up the hill ready to descend on the Romans beyond.

The Saxons have lost heavily too.  With only two units left from their original six they are on 66%, but with the Vankguard of the King and Jarl Skvirt still on table they are still powerful.

The end game.  The Pictish King in Combat with Quilpius, Iammius Gittus dead, and King Tugga about to attack again.  Both sides were over the 80% and it came down to cohesion points remaining.  With the VankGuard still pretty much fresh the Conspiracy of Barbarians had won the day.

Dux Bellorum: The Battle of Mount Hardon

The Roman General Quilpius Claudus, named Lame Quilpius after his unfortunate encounter with Pictish chariotry, fought the next rung of the ladder campaign on Ermine Street.  Seeing yet another hilltop defence in progress, and as the resident Saxon Warlord, I enquired of our Roman adversaries if this was Mount Badon.  Turns out I got one syllable wrong!

The Romans had attempted to ambush us.  They had also entrusted some of their precious points to fielding a unit of mercenary fanatics.  These were the new Pictish King's brother and his warband, and to be quite honest, they looked unhappy, lurking behind a Roman army.

The Pictish Saxon Alliance tried using Monks as our strategem.  Given that the Picts had a larger and more mixed force, the Pictish King, Norris Dewar McWhirter took the extra Leadership Points (or cows as he quaintly calls them.)


As a Saxon my tactics are restricted to punching the enemy on the nose, so probably not too useful for me. 

The Saxon line advances as the Romans repeat that hilltop trick.

On the crest line, they look pretty impressive.

Behind that hill there is some Roman dithering going on.

The Picts see that big marsh and have the urge to get muddy.  The Romans actually begin to reverse

Those Picts look pretty snazzy.

I do have some questions about where the Pictish Commander was off to in that chariot. 

Jarl Skvirt read the rules wrong again, got too close to the Romans hilltop trick (again) and launched himself against that hill.  Those shields lead me to believe that this unit is the Manus Gothica or "Jazz hands."

Iammius Gittus attempts to move the Britannia Hesitatus down the hill, nearer to the Saxons.  They refuse!  

The Saxons begin infiltrating through the woods

The Picts join the fight at the hill.

Once again I must ask, where was old Norris going in that chariot?

The Romans day begins to go badly.  The Picts use those extra LPS to manoeuvre on the flank.

The Saxons come raging out of the woods in high dudgeon because I mis-read the rules again and my trickery tactics failed.   Pushed back by the X rated legion. 

The claw of Quilpius lays an LPS down.  Interestingly "The Claw of Quilpius" is the name of a novel by English Mystery Writer Agatha Marbles.   Turns out the Butler did it.

The Saxon Revenge begins!  The fanatics are destroyed by the Vankguard in one round of fighting.  The Pictish King's rival is killed.  King Tossa leads his warbands through the woods to get at the Romans.

And the centre is unmoved, still a points soak.

The Saxons play "Ignore the Huns."  Here we also have the arm of Quilpius.  Interestingly this too was an Agatha Marbles novel, but failed to sell, mainly due to the fact that the butler did it this time too.  

The Jazz Hands manage a push back, and the Hesitatus get into a fight.

The Picts begin to swarm the right flank.

And here we must pause, for a trip to the pub, and a "how's it going" discussion.  The troops were left in situ.  
If the forces of Barbarism win there has been some discussion of burning the Quilpius Miniature in an on table wicker man, and damn the fire regulations!  

Lame Quilpius and the sad demise of a Pictish King

The Great Dawn Attack that the allies thought would break the Roman General Quilpius, and his Tribune the ever lucky Iammius Gittus (AKA the Cataphract Kid) had not been going well.  With the Vanking Saxons split during a succession crises they only seemed concerned with fighting among themselves.  More troubling was the fact that the Romans had a significantly larger army here, and that once again Quilpius was hiding on a hill.  

With most of the Saxons fighting their own war in the woods on the right flank it was left to the Picts to attack that central hill, and King Tugga, and his valiant and "IMPOSING" Vankguard to attack the right wing of the Romans.  In fact the Saxon King was held in such terror that the Romans determined to kill him and surrounded the guard as they fought.

That was never going to end well for the Romans...

In the woods Jarl Skvirt, On the Kings Right Hand, 
attacked the traitor Knobba Sore Wrist.  With a 
minimum of fuss the Saxons were avenged.  The Mumified wrist is now a key exhibit at the Sacriston Museum of Onanism.

The white dice reflect the favour of Vectron.  Four hits from seven dice.

The Picts lose a mighty battle in the centre as Quilpius Hill tactics prevail... again...

The Saxon VankGuard are surrounded but fight on, grimly punning to the end.  

The Pictish King proves his battle skills, killing the Huns who were harassing his rear.  After 30 years of waiting the Huns are seen off by Irregular miniatures chariots and a cow!  
Oh the shame!

  

The Picts roll Vectron`s favour, and Qulipius is destroyed. So much for Imposing Horsemen.  His Young Tribune continues the fight and kills the now weakened Pictish king.  Quilpius is later found alive, trampled by the chariots, henceforth to be called "Lame Quilpius" by Roman historians.

A word of advice, when you surround the Vankguard... expect them to do something like this.  A reasonable Roman roll against an unreasonable enemy roll...

And very much a game of two halves.  The Saxons prevail on one flank but the entire line is destroyed against that hill.

The Saxons finally come out of the woods, killers of Cataphracts, killers of traitors they launch into the Roman flank.  Things look nasty for Rome on this flank.

The end game.  The Romans begin to desperately move towards their flank where the Saxons have begun to rampage, but the Picts are all (and I mean all) dead and the 75% criteria if reached.    

And campaign moves on.  The next game is set up.  The Romans in a strong, but constricted central position.  


So, in the best traditions of moralising Roman Historians, what have we learned from the Great Dawn attack?

1.  Don`t do a Dawn Attack on a table the size of a province.

2.  If you manage to surround the Vankguard expect them to respond with the dice of Vectron's favour.

3.  The Saxons dislike Saxon traitors far worse than they dislike Romans.

4.  The Pictish King in his chariot is a mighty mighty force to be reckoned with... but even he will fall at odds of 2 to 1.

5.  Quilpius steadfastly refuses to die.  "Lame Quilpius" may refer to his injuries from the Pictish chariot wheels, or it may be a piece of satiric Roman name calling.

Dux Bellorum: The Dawn attack begins

Anglo Saxon Chronicles:

From: The Parker Chronicle (Corpus Christi College, Cambridge, Manuscript)

 A.D. 368
Then came the men from Vanking, Saxons of Germany.  Lead by Tossa Son of old Vank the High King, and his son Tugga, the young Vank.

With them the Thane Skvirt, on the King's Right Hand and his son Jerka Cross-Eyed. Knobba Sore Wrist, the King's Second Son was left with the Ships.

Joining the King of Picts in battle with the Romans and Welsh at Rochester, Tossa was slain, his household Vankguard fighting to the last.  In the Witan of the Leaders Young Tossa was hailed King, but his brother Knobba also claimed the Kingship, and took his followers to serve the Romans.

Jarl Skvirt declared that he would kill the Traitor, and proposed a dawn attack upon the camp of the Romans...

Cataphracts in a wood.  That's something you don't often see...

King Tossa gets stuck into the Britainnia Hesitatus 

From Dr Howard Parker's "The Vanking Saxons: New Perspectives."  Cambridge History Press 1976.

Principle leaders of the Vanking Saxons:

Tugga, son of Tossa, Lord of Vank
The Vank-Gard under their Thane Fallik Iron Wrist*
Skvirt, on the King's Right Hand... a Jarl
Little Skwirta, son of Skvirt

Knobba Sore Wrist, the King's Second Son.
Jerka,  Son of Skvirt.
Toddja,  Priest of Vectron
 Pulla, Son of Tossa
Jarl Flasha, Bishop Basher
Horsdong the Long One
Hungwrist Always Pissed

*A recent source in the form of the "Tungrian" tablets discovered on Hadrian Wall identifies the disgraced and exiled Tribune of the Auxilia Brittania Hesitatus as one Phallus Manufortis (Strong Hand), tentatively identified as the later Captain of the Vankguard Thane Fallik Iron Wrist.

More details may be found in the Petain Press Comic's latest title, "Conspiracy of Barbarians, Vol.1"
 Link

The Field of Durobrivae : Last stand of the Vankguard

 The Fall of the Vankguard

(With apologies to Thomas Gray)

To Durobrivae’s vale, in glittering row,

Two hundred Vanking Saxons go;

The Royal Vankguard of manly neck

Chains of regal honour deck,

Tossa Leading, Mighty Lord,

Strong hands wrapped around his sword,

Their ally king of northern Picts

Barbarian conspiracy predicts.

Flush’d with pride and hope they burn:

But none from Durobrivae vale return,

Save Tugga brave and Skvirt so strong,

—Bursting through the bloody throng—

And I, the meanest of them all,

That live to weep and sing their fall.

Catweasle of Lugvalium

The first rung of the ladder campaign.

The Vanking Saxons form line to face the Romans of Quilpius

Across the vale the Romans deploy, and the Saxons are facing the young Tribune Iammius Gittus.

The Picts skulk in the woods, as Picts do...  Opposite them Roman General Quilpius forms up on a promising looking hill

The Vanking Saxons advance cautiously seeing Cataphracts and Mounted Companions opposite.  King Tossa and his Vankguard have cunningly deployed here, to thwart the Roman flanking attack.

The annoying Roman Light horse skitter around the flank.  King Tossa decides that they are probably best just ignored.

In the centre of the Vanking Saxon line Jarl Skvirt "on the Kings Right Hand"  commands a vicious no holds barred attack.  One Roman unit, the "Britannia Hesitatus" hang back behind their fellows, not too keen to get involved with the Saxons.

The Roman line splits and the Picts swarm into the gap.

The Saxons grimly face off against a substantial number of the enemies` points.

A brave unit of ordinary warriors catches the Cataphracts and deals them a deadly blow, almost killing them before the inevitable massacre.  The Cataphracts are finished as a viable front line unit.

With a desperate fight between the Saxons and the Young Tribune continuing the Roman left is wound up by the Picts. 

The line sways back and forward, but that shieldwall protection factor was weighing on the Saxons who were beginning to show the strain. 

Jarl Skvirt leads his men in a struggle to the end.  

Tugga Son of Tossa, the Kings Eldest son, fights round after round with only one cohesion point remaining. 

The Picts swarm over the Roman Left.  The Roman Commander flees the field when presented by the Pictish buttocks. 

The Picts surround a Roman legion swarming it.  If only these Romans could roll well!

The Pictish King shows that he has the favour of VECTRON.  An astounding Seven rolls of 6.

The Picts annihilate the Roman Left.  Quilpius flees in abject defeat.  The Young Tribune Iammius Gittus holds the Roman's only hopes where the Saxons are struggling on the right as this happens the Saxons are broken.  Only their king remains fighting..

The Roman Cataphracts sweep into the rear of the Vankguard.  King Tossa holds for three amazing rounds, needing to roll two sixes to win the battle.  He does not manage it and is killed.  The Vankguard falls, but the Romans quit the field.  The pictish King is the victor.

All Hail Tugga, Son of Tossa, Son of Vank, new Lord of the Vanking Saxons.